lesson in the waves

Today is the day Isabella was supposed to join us.  For the last month this has been a day we have been moving towards with uncertainty.  How would we respond – mass grief or simple acknowledgement of the day?  Staying way too busy or moping around the house we’re at in misery?  Comfortable (or awkward) silence or redemptive conversation? 

We still have day to go through so the a final decision has yet to be made but I am thinking through one thing that happened today.  Melissa and I went for a long walk on the beach.  Probably the longest we’ve ever taken here.  It was good – the sand was flat and didn’t require a lot of effort, the water was cold, so cold that even after you got wet and used to it a wave would come and take your breath again, the birds were flying close, amazing us with the simple complexity of flight.  We simply walked and talked.  And at the end we sat.  And here is where I encountered God.

Let me back up for a second.  The beach is the one place I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to encounter God.  There is something about the beach that resonates with me.  It is the power of the ocean, the beauty of His creation, the difference in life from home.  It causes me to slow down, to breath, to step away from the distractions of life.  It is here that I have some of my most teachable moments.  There is always one moment I take away from the beach.  A few years ago it was God responding to prayer through the appearance of porpoise.  It has been hearing His voice in a song as I watched the sun set.  Today God spoke in the waves.

As we sat on the shore I observed the motion of the waves.  They fascinate me.  Powerful yet simple.  It seems like the water is moving but deceptively it is energy moving.  Today, there were 2 sets of waves.  the first set was further out – maybe 20 yards -and would break well before they reached shore.  Preceding this set of waves was movement but it was tranquil movement.  You knew it was there but it didn’t seem to have much power.  But then something happend and the wave accumulated energy, you could see the tranquil power gathering for an event.  The wave broke, energy released and chaos ensued.  The water churned and moved, frothy, looking nothing like the wave it was before.  And it continued moving forward.  There was a turbulent peace after the wave broke.  You could see the broken wave, still full of energy but not as powerful.  And it kept moving forward.  It was moving towards becoming the second set of waves.  These were the waves that broke on the shore.  But there was a difference; these waves didn’t have as much power, they lacked the turbulence found in the breaking of the first set of waves.  You knew that wave was there – it moved, it broke, it made sound as it crashed into the shore, it would grab your attention if you ignored it - but you knew it wasn’t as strong as the first set.

As I watched the waves – moving, pounding, breaking, receding, progressing – this thought crossed my mind.  Our situation, the loss of our dear Isabella, is much like the waves.  That horrible day in October when we found out she had died was the first set of waves.  Life was peacefully moving forward, gathering energy for what we thought would be the addition of Isabella to our family.  However, the wave broke earlier than we expected and we were thrown into turbulent crisis.  No longer was life simply moving forward but instead it had crested and broke on us, leaving us wondering what was going on, what had happened, and so many other questions.  But life continued to move forward.  We continued to move forward.  Healing physically and spiritually.  Asking questions.  But we continued to move forward much like the waves.  Today was the second set of waves.  Not nearly as powerful as the first set but still very evident.  There is emotion today but not like the emotion of a month ago.  As I think about the waves I am very aware that we will continue to move forward.  Because unlike waves that have the shore boundary, our life continues to move forward.  And as I consider moving forward, God speaks to me.  Reassuring.  Reminding.  Encouraging.  Loving.  So now when I am at the beach, watching the waves, I will remember my God and the words He spoke through His prophet, Jeremiah, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued to extend faithful love to you.  Again I will build you so that you will be rebuilt, Virgin Israel.  You will take up your tambourine again and go forth in joyful dancing.”  (31:3b-4)

dr visit and more

I’m trying to get out of the office and not doing a good job of it.  Tomorrow we take off to meet Dr. Williams and talk about all that happened a month ago – has it only been a month?  It seems like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  Melissa and I are both not looking forward to it as we know it will bring up emotions and make us relive a lot that has happened in that time period. Monday was Isabella’s due day and I have no clue what to expect that day.  We aren’t going to be anywhere near home or Mississippi in an effort to avoid pain.  There will be pain that day but why invite it by placing ourselves in 2 places where we expected a lot of joy.  I’m trying to come up with something that will distract us that day but am not doing a good job of figuring out what that is.  I’ll let you know how Monday goes.

We received the nicest, most insightful letter yesterday from a lady we don’t know who is oging through the same thing we are.  She lost her baby in August so is only a few months ahead of us in the grieving process.  It was very soothing to know that we aren’t the only ones experiencing loss and grieving.  It was also very encouraging for her to let us know we will be ok.  I can’t think of her name right now, Cameron maybe, but I am going to reread her letter tonight.  While the tears will always be there hopefully this coming week will allow us to bring new meaning to them.

I should stop typing and get out of here.  Packing and time with Melissa await.

drama

Tonight was a huge mess of teenage drama.  Everything from threats of fighting, to finding out there are restraining orders against students, to talking about eternal security, to helping a guy get gas and food and so on and so on.

I love working with teens.  Keeps me on my toes.  And makes my brain hurt when I have time to process it all.  I know I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

a little something

I was reminded by Melissa that I haven’t really put anything on the blog in a while.  So in order to honor her and to help you waste a few minutes of your life here is what is going on in the Kruse world.  Not sure where to start so we’ll start with the personal and work out.  That way if I get tired of typing you might have a meaty nugget to chew on.

We are making it.  Melissa continues to have good and not-so-good days.  We really don’t know what kind of day we’re having till we lay down at night and look over the day.  Her mom is here for at for about a week and a half.  That’s been good – there is someone there she can talk to (or Pat can fill the silence with all the stories of Mississippi) and it gives me some freedom to work.  More on that later.  still a lot of questions but that will be there for a long time.  We are heading south to Mississippi next Thursday for our follow-up appointment with Dr. Williams and then we’re heading further south to Gulf Shores for some us time.  Monday the 24th was our due date so that will be a hard day.  hopefully some time on the beach, seafood, and good music will help soothe the soul.

My sister has been in town for a week.  It was good to see her for a day but it wasn’t nearly long enough.  She’ll be back for Christmas so I’m hoping to get at least 2 days with her.  I continue to be proud of her school efforts but I know we all miss her being close.  Hopefully she’ll choose to come back to N’ville after her rotations are done.  Maybe I have managed to supress the hard days of seminary but I don’t remember grad school being as hard as hers is.  Glad I’m not in the medical field.

Works is kicking my TAIL!!  SSBC is taking part in the Advent Conspiracy.  I had the responsibility for putting together a small book for it and yesterday was informed the printer needed the files by the end of the day.  i was under the assumption I had till Monday so I had to set aside everything else and slam that out.  I love deadlines that change.  It has been good being back in the office.  I am definitely enjoying my time with students more.  I’m not worrying as much about details and just letting myself engage in conversation.  I didn’t realize how much I missed that part of youth ministry.

Holidays are coming up quickly and we have no idea what we’re doing.  We know Thanksgiving day we’ll be at her parents but Christmas isn’t something we’re thinking about. In fact we’d rather not have to do Christmas this year.  No gifts, no parties, none of the normal filler that comes with it.  Rather we’d like to just hang out with family and friends.  Having said all that I am looking forward to seeing Grant open his gifts.  There is nothing like a  4 year old opening presents for Christmas.

Speaking of Grant, we have come up with some ways to have some fun with him.  Being in youth ministry I manage to get my hands on some fun things.  Right now I’m in possession of both a gorilla suit and a full Batman outfit.  both of these will be making an appearance at the Dearman house between Thanksgiving and Christmas with the intent of giving him some thrills.  I can only imagine what he’d do if a gorilla walked in with a turkey for Thanksgiving and just left.  Or if Batman walked across the front lawn and “disappeared”.  Did I mention he is a Batman fanatic and he is four?  I’d encourage his parents to have a diaper around that day.

We have managed to satisfy the inner techno-geek in me that has been starving for the last four years.  through the gifts of family and left over birthday money we made a trip to Best Buy and bought a new computer, Melissa a Wii and I got Guitar Hero World Tour.  After we did the math, we spent about $100 of our money on this.  thank you in-laws and my birthday.  I have been having fun on all of them but my shoulder is telling me to lay off the Wii for a while.

There ya go, a lot of random babbling from my convuluted mind.  Hope you find something that makes you smile in all of it!

and life goes on

Everyone is gone.  Our families left on Thursday.  The house is empty except for Melissa and I. The occasional person comes by to sit for a while or bring us food.  It is quiet – the phone rings a few times here and there. 

It is odd that things go back to “normal”.  I expect it and in some ways am thankful for it but it is also hard.  We see what-could-have-been in a lot of what we do.  We have things that have to be boxed up and taken down.  There is the “normal” life of work and chores waiting at the door, wanting to rush in and take over our life again.  But there are still questions to ask and seek answers for.  There are still physical and emotional journies to take even though it seems we go down the same road many times – seeing the same sites, stopping at the same pit stops.  That’s ok though.

This evening our pastor talked about tribulation.  Off the top of my head he shared from Psalm 84 but it might have been 83.  It was a good night all the way around.  The youth band led worship - that was good for me, Melissa was there tonight and it was good to worship with her there, and the message seemed to speak right at us.  It is moments like tonight that make the journey we’re on bearable.  Reminders of who God is – His faithfulness even in the midst of not understanding, His ability to handle our questions and doubts. 

My prayer is this week routine will not set in, that my attention will not be taken from Melissa and spread out to my job and other things that aren’t nearly as important, that God will continue to speak in His unique way.  I sense healing happening but am very aware that it is process and there will moments where we seem to step backwards.  I’m ok with that and hope our family and friends are patient as this all unfolds.